I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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