John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
