my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
