There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
