so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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