I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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