i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I will be naked everywhere
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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