i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
