this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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