I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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