haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
