did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
