i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
