My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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