Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
