i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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