I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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