apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
