drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
