genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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