i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
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I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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