Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
