My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
3 2 1 whiskey
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.