Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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