the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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