Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
