I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You have to summon your inner elephant
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
