how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
