We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
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