you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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