Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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