i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
