Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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