coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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