i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
