i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
