No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
