you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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