I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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