I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
