I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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