She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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