Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
