meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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