Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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