i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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