He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
