We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
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