I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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