I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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