I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
