Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
