I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
