can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
