Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
