Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
