don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I did not marry a roomba.
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