The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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