Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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