Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
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I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
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I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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