its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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